Things I’ve Learned
I’ll tell you, going months without a pedicure is a really humbling thing. My nails don’t bother me as much when they’re not done but my toes...tuh! I just don’t like doing them myself. I prefer a professional to get down there for me. I can never comfortably see what I’m doing to shape and cut properly. I end up making them more jacked up than before I started.Today I looked down at my feet and felt they needed some love. A natural pedicure, light polish will do.
This strip down process has me looking at every inch of my life. My look, my habits, my spending, my distractions, desires, everything!
Things I've learned during the last 30 days.
1-I learned that it is ok to slow down. There is no rush or timeline to have your life figured out.
2- I've learned that some of the choices I've made are catching up with me. That I did not always have the best judgement or intentions.
3- I’ve learned that absence really does make the heart grow fonder but that does not mean this is what it needs or what the mind wants.
4- That unpacking your trauma is exhausting. For years the trauma has built up but never addressed in a way that allows you to see the connections. Or the effects of that trauma were not always obvious in our behaviors. For example, my parents were not the best couple, if you know what I mean. They fought and had their struggles. As a child I had such a strong intuition. I may not have always known what the issues were but I always knew they were both in the wrong. Fast forward to my first relationship. I started dating #1 when I was 15. We fought ALL the time. He was insecure. I was a free spirit. You couldn’t tell me shit. I had the wrong attitude for someone in a relationship. Granted, I was sweet and thoughtful when I was with #1 but as teenagers do, I didn’t want to be bothered. That is kinda how my mom came off. Like she didn’t want to be bothered.
5- I’ve also learned that I can only love with the capacity I know how to. Crazy right? Not saying I can’t love or I wasn’t loved. Let’s just say I learned a little thing called emotional neglect. My physical needs, for the most part, were met. However, my emotional needs were not. This is evident in the way I handle my emotions and treat others. My emotions get suppressed, packed into little boxes and stored in my head. I feel like I have a hard time feeling my feelings. Like I don’t completely connect with them. It’s also easy for me to feel for others than it is to recognize how I’m feeling. Dating #2 taught me a lot about feelings
6- I’ve learned to put myself in my parents shoes and see them as people, not just adults. This has helped me forgive and let go.
7- We are conditioned to live in survival mode. Everything seems to be about working and maintaining. That is not ok.
8- It is ok to just exist!! This is something I struggle with because like I previously stated, we are conditioned to always be doing, planning, working. I have been learning to just live.
9- Love HAS to be a 2 way street. You have to compromise and learn to love all of someone, not just the parts that caught your attention.
10- I’ve learned that being an adult doesn’t automatically come with set rules or guidelines. We live like there is some path everyone needs to take. Grow up, get educated, get a job, start a family and have ABC completed by retirement. That shit is not how it works. Yes, that is what most do but if you are not doing that, that’s ok too.
